Damnit

My body is getting worse again. I am not sure why but I am going to try to keep fighting so that I don't go back the point of the bed-ridden veg. That would just make me more frustrated.

I was trying to not have a crush on Lucas which seemed to be working. I was trying to tell myself why it wouldn't work, that he is not attracted to me, etc. etc. cause I just see myself getting burned. Then what does my brain do? Oh just have an entire dream devoted to Lucas and why he is such a great guy including saving me again (in my dream I fell because of my balance and stopped breathing and he gave me mouth to mouth). The entire dream we were laughing and smiling and making out... and argh stupid head. No, I shouldn't have a crush on him! Not because he is unattractive, I find him incredibly attractive but he is completely unobtainable because I am pretty certain he has no interest in me. Whatever it's just a small crush, I'll deal with it.

Game night... Matt won the first round of Settlers. TI was sucky for me, mostly cause I've been this total space cadet since I started getting this spinal vertigo thing. Matt took my home system. This is like the 4 or 5th game in a row that my home system has been taken. But whatever, I didn't figure it would go well for me anyway. I got knocked out of the game and played Halo for a bit just to blow stuff up and pass the time. I am not there was a winner in TI, it was really intense at the end. Settlers, Matt won again. I did win Frog Juice which despite it being a simple game I was fairly happy to win for the first time in a long time... I am pretty sure the more you have to think in these games, the less likely I am to win because my head is just really messed up right now. Between the vertigo and medication... I am screwed. But that's okay, I like hanging out and playing board games even if I seem like a total idiot but if I win one game of whatever occasionally, I'm happy.

I bought two video games on Friday and neither will play on my Xbox. I need to take them back (Sims and Myst 4). Which if they give me money back that'd be great cause I shouldn't have spent it, I was in one of my very down moods on Friday which just leads to self pitty and buying video games so I can zone out for a few more hours and not have to deal with things. I am going to stop trying to do that.

Not sure how today is going to be... I am not doing well right now... so we'll see. I wish I had a trike bike so I didn't have to worry about balance and could build up my strength and go for a ride. I think I'll build p my strength for the gym, lift weights again. Can't do cardio unfort because I would fall off the machine.

I really could use someone to talk to and hugs lately. I think that is why Lucas is always so appealing in my dreams, he is sweet and wants to listen and be there and I am just a sucker for caring smart guys.